I never wanted to be the person who had ‘mental health issues’ or even worse still, ‘post-natal depression’. In fact, I am to this day convinced that I did not have either. I did however need to give my emotional wellbeing some extra TLC in the 12 months after giving birth. Call it what you will… the role of ‘mother’ did not measure up to my expectations… and I came to realise that I needed support to find my way.

I always wanted to be a mother, I had a lovely easy pregnancy and a fairly straightforward birth. I am in a very secure relationship with a wonderful husband, and am surrounded by friends and family all willing to offer practical help and support on the arrival of our first child. What on earth could I possibly have to feel down about?

That’s precisely it. I couldn’t then, and I can’t really now, put a definition on ‘what was going on with me’. But I knew very clearly that the old me was lost. And this new (temporary!) me was uncomfortable, unfamiliar (frightening even) and upsetting. I desperately wanted to learn how to be the old me but in this new way of living.

I resisted seeking help for a few months because of all the things I’ve mentioned above… I was not going to be that person. I had so much to be grateful for. I fought the feeling of ‘getting something wrong’. Thanks to a very supportive husband coupled with a dark moment of realisation within myself, I rang Sarah at ‘Birth and Beyond’ and began counselling sessions.

Sarah quickly identified some key areas for us to talk about and for me to think through for myself. During our sessions we covered an enormous range of emotions, relationships and scenarios… surprisingly few actually involved my daughter… but each time Sarah got to the nub of what was going on in a very positive and solution focused manner. She helped me to figure out where the old me had gone, and why I was feeling that way. And then work out some ways for me to learn how to incorporate the real me into my new role as a mother.

Sarah managed to get me to figure things out for myself and come up with my own advice and solutions without actually suggesting them herself. Herein lies the success of working with Sarah in my opinion… being given advice, or listening to someone tell you how to fix something which is going on in your life, or even listening to people tell you that you are not alone has no lasting benefit. But the way in which Sarah got me to come to my own ‘making sense’ and ‘way forward’ was key to how I engaged with the sessions.

Having come through this experience I now want to shout from the roof tops to all new, or expectant, first time mums. You know yourself better than any health visitor, any GP, or any midwife… dare I say it, better than your partner and better than your own sisters or mothers!!! LISTEN to your gut. If you have even the tiniest inkling that something is not quite right, feels too heavy to carry or isn’t slotting into place as you’d wish then please, PLEASE seek support. It will be the strongest and bravest thing you ever do and the best gift you ever give yourself. And the sooner you do it the better!

For me, looking after my emotional wellbeing is how I look back on the past few months. If I can help just one other mum feel more ‘normal’ and emotionally safe by writing this then my experience has been put to good use.

One of the things that many new mothers find hard is the lack of time for themselves. There is a great part in the movie ‘Date Night’ where Tina Fey talks about how all she wants to do is sit by herself in a darkened room, with a can of diet sprite. Being a mother can feel relentless at times, and if we’re not careful it can easily lead to feelings of resentment: “This isn’t what I signed up for!”

Resentment is really destructive to relationships, as it means that we become less able to keep ‘giving’ to the other person. When you resent your husband, it makes it harder to stay connected and communicate. And when you resent your baby, you can feel guilty for feeling that way, or angry with them for needing you.

However, it can be hard not to feel resentful when you aren’t able to have your needs met the way you used to. If you find it hard to relax or switch off when you can’t do many of the things you used to enjoy, it can really rock your sense of identity.

So how can you keep in touch with your sense of identity?

Rather than feeling bad about what you can’t do now (e.g. Friday night drinks after work) try to figure out what aspects of that activity you really enjoyed (e.g. relaxing on a Friday night, feeling as though it’s different to other evenings).
Try to figure out a new activity that might incorporate some of those aspects (your partner cooking a meal for you both, or ordering a takeout, or giving you space to cook yourself on a Friday night)
Figure out the steps to make that activity happen (e.g. chat to your partner about what you both need to do, get in some takeout menus, or do an online shop the weekend before)

This is just one example, and there are many more.

But what if I can’t manage to organise something like this?

If this feels too much for you there are also smaller ways you can hang on to your sense of self when the world around you appears to be shifting regularly. One way can be to figure out one non-negotiable and to do it every day. Examples of this include:

Having a shower every day.
Going for a 20-minute walk, with or without the baby. Research shows that exercise can be as effective as antidepressants in treating mild or moderate depression, as well as all the other health benefits that regular exercise provides.
Going outside every day, even if that’s just to go to the shops. Getting outside, especially in green spaces, has been proven to have a range of health benefits, including lowering your risk of depression and boosting your immune system.
Spending 2 minutes just breathing.
Having a cup of tea to yourself, even if the chores are beckoning.
Connecting with someone, even if that’s just a 5 minute phone call or a conversation via text or messenger.

Do this one thing every day, whatever else happens, and at least you will know that you are prioritising yourself in that one thing.

If you would like to chat through any of this, I provide counselling to pregnant and new parents. Becoming a parent is a time of massive change and equally big emotions, and everyone can find it useful to talk things through from time to time.