The positives of staying inside with a new baby

A lot of people are sad and disappointed that they’re not going to be able to have the time they hoped for once their baby was born. You can’t go to classes, you can’t have visitors, you can’t go out and socialise very easily, you can’t access the feeding support you might want, you maybe can’t think about getting into the exercise routine you were looking forward to getting back to…

Getting your head around this being a very different time to what you expected can be hard, and you might need to allow yourself some space to be angry or upset or disappointed. That’s partly why we set up this group, so you can connect with others who might also be feeling similar things to you. Getting some support to help you find your way through these feelings is much better for you than just pretending they’re not there.

Getting our heads round this change takes a bit of time, and it’s OK if it doesn’t happen quickly. It’s OK to be sad or angry about how this time is going to be different to how you hoped and expected.

When you have allowed yourself space to be angry or upset (screaming under the water in the bath, throwing a tantrum on the sofa, drawing an angry squiggle drawing with a black pen are all ways of physically letting some of that go), it might help you to feel more in control of this situation if you start to find ways of seeing it as an opportunity. Here are some ideas:

1.     This might be time to recover

It’s interesting that a lot of practitioners I speak to think that NOT being able to do loads after your baby is born is a good thing. That might seem a bit counter-cultural, and it is, but one of the things that many postnatal practitioners agree on is that rest and allowing yourself time to just hang out with your baby are two of the best things you can have as a new parent.

It’s just that we don’t often get the chance to do that, because we’re bombarded with so many expectations of what we need to do with our babies that we think they need all these things. Or else we see other parents doing things and assume we should be able to do that too.

However you have just given birth, and your body and mind need some space to heal and recover. In many other cultures, mothers are encouraged to stay in bed and just hang out with their baby for at least 4 weeks after giving birth. Maybe there is some wisdom we could take from that.

2.     There are benefits to not being surrounded by other people

What new parents often don’t get, which you and your baby will have, is lack of expectations and opinions. Our society places so much pressure on new mums to be perfect, to bounce back, to recover quickly, to want to socialise immediately. Other cultures think that this is craziness! Mothers are encouraged to stay in bed with their babies and just rest and hang out.

In these very extraordinary times, rather wonderfully you can free yourself from expectations, because ALL BETS ARE OFF. You simply cannot do the things that you thought you could do, not because you’re lazy or a failure or not a ‘good mum’, but because you physically cannot do these things.

And that can be liberating, because it often makes it easier to find your own path when you have less outside influence. If you want to stay in your pyjamas all day, who cares? You don’t need to rush for appointments. You don’t need to feel that you should make cups of tea for relatives. You don’t have to worry about what guests might think of the presents you haven’t had a chance to unpack yet. You don’t have to feel worried about getting out when you’re exhausted after a bad night. You don’t need to feel a failure because you don’t seem to be as efficient at leaving the house as other people.

3.     Benefits to your relationship with your baby

One of the other bonuses of slowing down and doing less, is that it makes it easier to tune into our babies. Our babies have a MUCH slower response speed that us (it takes them at least twice as long to respond), which means that quite often we can miss what they are trying to communicate because we’ve already moved on to something else before they’ve responded.

If you go online and watch youtube videos of babies imitating their parents sticking out their tongues (there’s a great one here) you can see that even a 10 minute old baby can imitate their dad, if given enough time. But you can see here how long it takes the baby to be able to do that, and this is what we can miss when we’re rushing around.

Babies have got a lot going on and they do not need tonnes of stimulation – quite often you are enough, especially in the early months. If you want to learn more about how incredible babies are, I’d highly recommend checking out the work of Suzanne Zeedyk. Another video that can give you a sense of just how hard your baby is going to be working to develop is this lovely one of a baby learning to roll.

One of the things that I know that people are worrying about is their child’s development, and it can be really helpful to realise that they are ‘programmed’ to develop, with or without loads of stimulation and support. If you’d like to see this in action, I recommend the film ‘Babies’ which came out in 2009 – you can catch it on demand here.

These are just some of the ways that this time might give you opportunities to learn about yourself as a parent and tune into your baby in a very unpressured, unhurried way. Yes there will be bits that are harder and more anxiety provoking, and there is also the possibility that this could also be an amazing start for you and your baby. If you have any other ideas, I’d love to hear from you.

Take care – Sarah xx

[I’m aware that it might be very hard to see these opportunities, especially if you are feeling very unsafe, and it’s important not to dismiss these feelings. The most important thing you can do first, is to find ways of feeling more ‘safe’ and I will write more on that soon.]

What creates connection and why does it matter?

So, as the diagram above simply shows, attention and intention create connection. Simples! 

And yet it's sometimes not that simple at all. What if you're good at giving attention to people and then you never follow up (attention without intention)? Or what if you keep meaning to spend quality time with someone and never quite getting around to it (intention without attention)? 

And like any other relationship, forming a positive connection with your baby isn’t just about giving them attention, it’s also about intention. Sometimes we can be scared that we’re not giving our kids the right kind of attention or enough attention. Sometimes we think that they don’t even want our attention. The problem is, it can be really hard to see what’s going on.

The psychological term for this combination of attention and intention is attunement - appropriate attention in a timely manner. Attunement is what helps your baby feel secure and loved, creating the secure attachment that helps them develop emotional, cognitive and physical (yes!) resilience. 

The thing is  - how do you know when you're giving your child enough of this intentional attention? There has been much written about 'good enough' mothering, most famously by the psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott who coined the term. However, it is only recently that scientists have realised that you only have to be attuned to your child about 1/3 of the time. So what does that look like?

Well, that's tricky to define, but it can be the loving glance that your baby notices, the way you respond to some of their 'conversations', the tone of your voice when you're soothing their cries, the gentleness of your touch when you're changing their bottom, the way you tell them what you're going to do before you do it so they don't get a shock, the way you figure out the best way to respond when they hurt themselves... It's not a definite list of behaviours but more of an attitude towards being with your baby. 

Because so many people come to see me who are worried about whether they're 'getting it right', I trained to be a Video Interaction Guidance practitioner. Video Interaction Guidance (or VIG) is a brilliant way of showing you how you are already giving positive attention to your child and what goes on between you both when you’re doing it. This can then help you become more intentional about doing it, since you have more idea of what it looks like. Sound clear as mud?! It’s basically a positive feedback loop, that is shown to promote wonderful change in relationships and build confidence. 

VIG is very well regarded and used by the NHS around the country as it is so effective in building relationships. It is also used in Mother and Baby units to help reduce anxiety and depression in mothers who are struggling to connect with their baby. If you’d like to learn more about it, please check out this video here. 

If you are interested in VIG and think it could be something that would help you and your child in your relationship together, you can find out more about it here. People often talk about how special it is to see these amazing moments of intimacy, and it’s definitely a tool that I’ve found to be incredibly positive in my relationships with my own kids. If you’d like to know more, I’m always happy to chat about it!

5 ways that motherhood might challenge your identity

People often say to me 'I don't feel like myself.' And it's true, one of the ways that motherhood can surprise us is that it can challenge our ideas about who we are.

We often get into ways of relating to the world that work pretty well for us and make us feel good, so if motherhood forces us to re-evaluate some of those, it can really shake us to our core. In psychological terms, transitions like becoming a mother can trigger a kind of breakdown as our usual ways of seeing ourselves don’t work, and we have to rebuild our sense of who we are.

It can be really distressing feeling like this, as it can leave you feeling very vulnerable or as if you’re ‘getting it wrong’. However it is so common I thought I would list a few of the ways in which motherhood can shake your sense of yourself, so if it happens to you you might feel less distressed by it.

1. You can cope by yourself

Maybe before having kids, this was true. However, one of the things that many people will say that surprises them about motherhood is how much you need other people.

There are so many reasons why this might be true. It might be that culturally we are fed the idea that independent is best, that you should be able to stand on your own two feet. It might be that we de-value the impact that informal groups of support have had on mothers in the past, so we don’t recognise how important that was. It might be that we have had to learn from previous life experiences that you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. There can be many, many reasons for this.

However the research is clear – new mothers need practical and emotional support or they are more at risk of struggling. So if you find it hard to see yourself as someone who benefits from support, this might feel a tough one to face.

2. If you just work at something you can solve the problem

You might have found that this is how you are used to solving problems at work, or in relationships, and maybe it has worked well. However if you have a baby who won’t sleep, or you have a baby who cries all the time (for no known medical reason), then this idea will not help you. Because they can’t be ‘fixed’, and your usual method of working harder might just see you run yourself into the ground.

Accepting that you might need to accept the situation, rather than seeing it as a problem, and then find ways of getting your needs met in that situation (getting someone to look after the baby to give you some respite from the crying, or allowing you to sleep).

3. That you and your partner will never end up in gender defined roles

There are few things that only one gender can do, and giving birth is one of them (as is breastfeeding). So from the start, it can be hard to resist the onslaught of attention being given to the mother, not the father. This is only increased if you are breastfeeding, or if you have decided that you are the one who takes a longer period of leave from paid work (for whatever reason).

It is a big shift for all of you, and in all of these changes it can often feel harder NOT to fall into gender roles (especially if that is what your role models did) than to make the effort to keep checking that you are not doing so.

If you find yourself upset or resentful that you find yourself feeling a divide between you and your partner, because he or she can’t understand what life is like for you (which they probably can’t), then that is normal. It is helpful to discuss this with your partner (if you can), and also make sure that you give both of you a bit of slack. It’s a new transition for both of you! Many couples talk about how they feel as though their roles are VERY gender defined at the beginning, and that as they become more confident in their roles as parents, however that is for them, then they feel more able to renegotiate within the family, however that works.

4. Perhaps related to the idea of being able to solve problems, is the notion of yourself as someone who can bring comfort

If you are someone who finds that you experience a great deal of your sense of worth from making people happy then if you have a baby who cries a lot, this might really impact on your sense of how good a mother you are. It might feel intolerable to be with someone who you can’t comfort.

If this is the case for you, it can be very hard not to take it personally, and I would recommend speaking to an organisation such as Crisis who have volunteers who know what it is like and can provide you with emotional support to know that you are not alone.

5. If you are someone who is  ‘happy go lucky’

Anxiety is part and parcel of being a parent. Mothers’ brains change from the moment of conception in order to help them notice threats in the environment to their babies.

If you are someone who has never really experienced anxiety very much before, this can really be quite shocking, and it might feel ‘wrong’ that you are feeling more anxious. Awfully, that can become a vicious cycle as you become anxious about the anxiety itself.

It can be helpful to know that you WILL become more anxious, as then you can realise that this is part of your new relationship and it’s there to keep your baby safe. It might not feel comfortable, but maybe if you can accept the anxiety as normal, it might help you feel less as though you’re not yourself.

These are only a few scenarios, but there are many more. If you are able to help yourself understand why the challenges you face are because they don’t fit with how you see yourself, it can help you be kinder to how you experience yourself right now. And when you’re kinder to yourself, quite often you can start to access the support you need and start to feel better.

If you've found this helpful, you might find it useful to read this post on returning to work, another time when our identity can be challenged, or you might be interested in my free resources on how to manage your anxiety.

5 Reasons to See a Counsellor when You’re Pregnant

1.     Your important relationships often change when you are pregnant, and counselling can help you manage those changes

Many women have told me that when they become pregnant, they are shocked by how some of their relationships change. Some women feel let down because their partner doesn’t seem as involved as they are, or others feel shocked that friends seem to distance themselves. Babies can change relationships before they are even born, and having space to process these changes can help you enter motherhood feeling more resilient.

2.     You might find that old feelings about your own childhood come up and need space to process them.

It’s the old cliché that counsellors just want to talk about your childhood, but actually there is no time when this is more true than when you become a parent yourself. You might want your child to experience childhood in the same way you did but feel scared that you can’t manage that, or you might want them to have a totally different experience and not know how to make that happen. Either way, exploring your feelings can give you a better basis to be the parent you want to be.

3.     Counselling offers a judgement free zone to talk about some of the feelings you might experience, even the ones that you don’t want to experience.

 Sometimes you don’t feel the way you expect to in pregnancy. You might feel low or anxious. You might feel resentful or angry. Not the picture of glowing and blissed out expectancy that maybe you were envisaging. If you’re distressed by how you are feeling, it might feel as though other people will judge you or think that something is wrong. Counselling can provide a safe space to explore these feelings, as counsellors are trained NOT to judge.

4.     Counselling helps you create space to think about your baby, which can be hard when life is so busy.

Creating a reflective space to connect with your baby can be really hard, when life is already full enough. Some mothers choose to have counselling because they know it creates a regular appointment for them to connect with how they feel about their unborn child and to reflect on their hopes and fears for the future. Sometimes having someone else there asking questions can help you create that space, if you’re struggling to create it for yourself.

5.     Counselling has been proven to reduce your likelihood of experiencing postnatal depression

According to research, counselling is one of the only things known to help reduce your likelihood of getting postnatal depression. The mechanism by which that happens hasn’t yet been fully figured out (and it might be because of some of the reasons given above), but if postnatal depression is something you’re concerned about, it might be worth considering having some counselling during pregnancy.

If you found this post interesting, you might be interested in some of the other posts I have written, including my five top tips about choosing a buggy, and a post about what might affect you in motherhood. I have also guest written a piece for the Every Mum Movement about why pregnancy is not just a waiting game. If you're interested in finding out more about me and the counselling service I offer pregnant women and mothers, you can check me out here. I'm always interesting in hearing what you think, so please do feel free to get in touch! 

What will motherhood be like for you?

OK, so it’s not something we like to talk about, but since at least one in ten (probably more) mothers experience some kind of mental distress before or after having a baby, it’s definitely worth talking about what you can put in place to improve your chances of enjoying motherhood from the outset. Because in many cases it is preventable or could be reduced - it's not a biological given. 

So if you’re pregnant (or even if your baby is already in your arms), here’s a quick quiz to look at what factors might affect how you feel as a mother.

1. Do you lack people around you who will be giving you practical support (e.g. cooking, cleaning, taking the baby so you can sleep, looking after any other children?) On a near daily basis? (Partners don’t count)
2. Do you lack friends who are having babies at roughly the same time as you?
3. Have you had a history of infertility or miscarriages/stillbirth?
4. Are you having more than one baby?
5. Have you previously had anxiety, depression, eating disorders or other mental distress (whether diagnosed or not)?
6. Has your mother or someone else who was important to you died in the last few years?
7. Is there stress around you? (e.g. are you dealing with a lot of stress at work (or in your partner’s work)? Is one, or more, of your close relationships stressful? Are you moving house? Are you finding it hard to be able to exercise/ de-stress in your usual ways?)
8. Are you finding it easy to ‘bond’ with the baby inside you?
9. Have you felt anxious or low during your pregnancy?
10. Was your pregnancy unplanned?
11. Are you an ‘older’ mum?
12. Did you find your own childhood difficult?

If you have ticked yes to ANY of these, good on you for being honest. Because being honest with yourself means that you have more chance of doing what you need to prevent mental distress. In many cases, mental distress is an emotional sign that something is wrong. A bit like getting a headache when you haven’t drunk enough water is a physical sign that something needs to change. And so often you can get support to sort out whatever is causing the distress.

When I was pregnant, I didn’t want to think about anything like this because I was too scared to look at it. Despite having episodes of what might have been undiagnosed depression and anxiety in the past, I thought that since I was doing so well in pregnancy, I would be fine. I didn’t think about the fact that a great deal of how I was feeling was due to the fact that I used exercise and nutrition and regular contact with colleagues and work that I enjoyed and lots of sleep to keep me feeling good. All those things contributed to me enjoying life, so once they weren’t there I really struggled.

And my point is – that does NOT need to happen. Research shows that along with these risk factors, there are also things you can do to support yourself, from before pregnancy. Counselling , for example, has been shown to be one of the things that is proven to reduce your chance of experiencing postnatal depression. Exercise during pregnancy and beyond has also been shown to help maintain mental wellbeing. 

Being honest about yourself and your situation means that you can put a few things in place now. Even if you’re someone who hates planning, quite often that can be because we don’t like looking at what might go ‘wrong’. Because it’s scary! And quite often we like to pretend that what’s scaring us can’t get us and so we hide under the duvet, rather than putting the light on to see what that shadow really is.

So I’m inviting you to put the light on. If you are up for it, you’re very welcome to get in contact and discuss whatever has come to your attention.