One of the things that comes up a lot in my work is how easy it is to focus on one particular aspect of being a parent, without considering the impacts on other aspects of family life.

However families don’t work like that – all parts are interconnected, so when you make a change in one area, it has an impact on other areas that you might not initially expect.

For example, I once knew a family who were so focussed on the fact that the mother could not breastfeed the baby and bot parents wanted to ensure that her child only received breastmilk until the age of 1 that the mother pumped milk each day for nearly a year. Unfortunately, this led to her becoming increasingly isolated and depressed, as the time taken for pumping regularly and then feeding made it very hard for her to leave the house. Their determination that their child would be exclusively breastfed came at a large price, that they hadn’t considered.

Another instance is a mother who is so worried about the risk to her baby about medication being transferred in breastmilk that she doesn’t consider the risks to her baby if they become unwell. Both these risks might need to be considered, but quite often only one is focussed on.

Another instance is a father or partner who is so concerned about being unable to support the family financially  by doing his/ her paid work due to being kept up by a baby at night, that s/he doesn’t realise that the other parent’s ability to look after their baby is becoming compromised due to sleep deprivation. Not the outcome they intended.

This interconnectedness can be a source of real dilemma for parents, because often there is not a ‘perfect’ option but a ‘least bad’ option to pick. In a world where we are trained to believe that there can be a perfect solution to every problem, this can raise some pretty uncomfortable feelings, especially when you are considering the wellbeing of your child.

Often parents come to me hoping that I will help them discover the ‘perfect’ solution to their dilemma, when all we can do is to explore their thoughts and feelings about different options and help them decide what risks are more acceptable to them and their family. And then to come to terms with the emotions that that decision making process brings up. However, as I’ve just said, considering the family as an ecosystem can make that decision making process slightly easier – as families tend to function better when everyone’s needs are being acknowledged, even if they can’t be perfectly met at the time.

If you feel stuck with what feels like an impossible dilemma, finding ways to talk about it can be really helpful. If you haven’t got someone you trust to talk to about these things, counselling can sometimes help you figure out how to put words around those different thoughts, or can help with managing the feelings that come up about different options.