TRIGGER WARNING - this piece is talking about infertility, birth and perinatal trauma.

It is hard to write a short piece about trauma and parenthood, because there are SO many different aspects that can become traumatising. And when I mean traumatising, I mean where your body is telling you you are not safe, even if rationally you know that you are safe in the present moment.

 

How does trauma feel?

 

Often when people talk with me about their trauma, they are upset or frustrated that their body doesn’t seem to respond to what they rationally know. They can’t seem to ‘talk themselves out of it’. It doesn’t seem to make any sense to them that they should still be having such distressing feelings and experiences, even though the source of the trauma is no longer there.

 

And that feeling of ‘lack-of-safety’ can manifest in lots of ways -you might find yourself ruminating, or having flashbacks, or unable to sleep, or constantly checking something and feeling uneasy, or feeling disconnected or low, or feeling upset when anything reminds you of what happened.

 

What causes trauma?

 

Trauma isn’t always due to experiencing objectively terrifying events. Sometimes you might find that trauma has a much less obvious start point, such as something said to you in hospital that made you scared or dismissed, or a time when you were left alone and felt out of control, or when you felt neglected even though you needed help.

 

Or sometimes trauma can build over time, such as when you are living with an abusive partner or parent. The trauma of being a childhood carer at a young age can also come back when you are a parent yourself.

 

Past trauma can also be re-triggered by seemingly unrelated events. Previous sexual abuse can be re-triggered by the processes of giving birth, including examinations, pain and feeling exposed.

 

Whilst there are particular scenarios that can contribute to trauma, these situations need not be traumatising in themselves IF YOU FEEL SAFE ENOUGH during them. And often in working with people who are traumatised, creating and finding safety is a key step of recovery.  

 

There is no hierarchy of trauma.

 

You can drown in 20 inches of water and you can drown in 20 feet of water. The symptoms are still the same. And with trauma, if your body either feels unsafe and tells your mind to do something about it or it doesn’t.

 

What to do if I think I might be experiencing trauma symptoms?

 

It’s important to work with someone who has an understanding of how our bodies and brains work when we are traumatised, in order to not re-traumatise the person experiencing the symptoms. It is why I suggest using trauma informed therapists when you are looking to address your symptoms (the Birth Trauma Association has a list of registered therapists who are trauma informed).

 

When I work with people who are traumatised, we don’t start by talking about the trauma, we start by thinking about what that person needs to start being able to feel safe. That can take a while, or sometimes it can be really quick, but it’s really important that you know you can feel safe and in control before we can go any further.

Looking at safety might involve some body techniques, and also might involve some psycho-education in a safely managed way. There are lots of great resources out there, such as the Birth Trauma Association and Make Birth Better, and it can be helpful to realise that you are not alone. In Edinburgh, Juno PMHS runs a Perinatal Trauma peer support group, which is run specifically in a way to make sure that you do not feel too unsafe or activated.

When we know that you can find a place of safety, we will also have a better idea of what is involved with creating those feelings of lack of safety and what we might do to address those issues.

If you’d like to talk with me about any of this, please do get in touch.